characters Clara Oswald, Eleven, River
pairing Clara/Eleven (squinting)
rating, word count PG, 499
genre character study, introspection
an I have Eleven/Clara feels following the series finale so beware…that’s mainly what I feel like writing right now. I feel like this is the first in a few to come
summary He was larger than life. Most times.
They wouldn’t bury my wife out here.
Of course he would throw that statement out just before the ground fell away beneath our feet. Like that would deter me. It seems that he still doesn’t know me quite so well though I’ve seen him watching me.
But still, it’s her that has to explain it to me. To show me that even with someone he calls wife he would leave and not come back, not even to say good-bye. In the midst of all this confusion, this insight, this realization that he can just go and never come back, it hits me hard.
On a scale of one to ten, I would’ve said I trusted him at about a nine, a lot of the times ten. Now, knowing this, it’s about a three.
I’m dizzy. Not just because of the dimensional leaks or whatever babble is coming out of the Doctor’s mouth now. It’s not just because I seem to be remembering something that happened but didn’t. I’m dizzy because I’m realizing just how much smaller on the inside he can be sometimes.
I’ve known. I’ve seen how he can be selfish and manipulating. I think I’ve just offset it because I’ve seen how generous and loving he can be in the next second. I think everyone around him has made excuses for this part of him.
Why does all this make me feel so young? Is it because I’m so lost as to what to do? Why is his name so important to this alien intelligence? How is it that River knows?
She too is old and young. Not as young as I feel right now. The pain in her eyes and voice as she watches her husband writhe on the floor is tangible. I feel her pain and his. I care about him, despite knowing what he can do to those he cares about. What he could do to me.
This is one of those moments, this is one of those times when I can forget that he can be personally emotionally blocked because he makes up for it in caring more for the lives of others, for the pain and losses that they will go through. Vastra says that the solar systems are disappearing. It’s because of the lack of him.
I’m not as young as I think. He said he’s met me before. Does that mean... I can’t even…but there’s that glowing tangle of light in the middle of the console room. The Intelligence called it an open wound.
While the Doctor may be smaller on the inside once in a while, he is larger than anyone I’ve ever known and he’s made my life just somehow more. Made me smaller on the outside and I just need to do something to fill all this space that’s opened up inside me.
He’s going to need to remember me because I’m about to give him my future to save his past.